viewfromthecurb

In my exhaustion, I lose my ability to make sense of what I am.

Why am I supposed to have all of the answers to life’s questions? My wife seems to think so. She gets pissed off and angry if I don’t.

It’s putting me in a very, very, very dark place again.

Now, the doctor’s find indications of “dementia” in my wife memory episodes. I have been fearing this for a while, but I was lost as to how to get help for her (and I.) The details that I was dealing with aside, it really came to light in a surgical procedure she had done. She became very agitated when she was coming out of the anesthetic and became very combative to the recovery ward staff. I spent a late night there with them trying to get her to calm down and sleep – And it scared me to death.

Time does pass…albeit slowly but surely. Most of the time, I find my inner voices constantly telling me that I don’t know what I am doing in dealing with this “situation.” I am so drained that I can only nod in agreement. I am also fearful that I am probably doing more harm than good. More often than not, it’s her that says “I want a divorce.” My response has become “Too bad. You’re not getting one.” And she leaves it at that. I take my wedding vows seriously – I really don’t know what she does these days.

Her anger is usually gone shortly after each episode. And I know that her yelling and vitriol is something that she can’t always control (as she says.) We’ve made the first try with a neurologist to make an assessment of her condition (per her “doctor”) which wasn’t too productive because Ann got angry and walked out of the office before anything could be finished. She refuses to accept what this condition could truly be (dementia, et al) as compared to her belief that she doesn’t get good sleep due to the severe hip pain she’s had for so long, making her tired. I don’t know why she thinks she doesn’t get good sleep – as I see it, she is in bed for around 8 to 9 hours a night.

She is as stubborn as her dad was. And as mean in her anger towards me as he probably was to her when she was growing up. I can’t imagine what she had to put up with in dealing with them. But this is destroying me. I am happy to take care of her as much as she needs for whatever the outcome of this is. But right now I am an empty shell of a person, bereft of feelings, emotions, thoughts and missing a spark for my spirit. I have been subsumed by this situation, this disease and I am afraid of where my path will take me. That is, if I have any hope of making it through this alive.

I have nobody to talk to, to help me, to guide me or even just be on my side. Even if I did, I can’t let them into the entirety of my world. This is just too much for me to let out to anyone on this planet that I even care about remotely. It’s just too much for anyone to deal with and I wouldn’t wish it on them. I live here. I barely make it through each time I’ve found my spirit here by shear luck. I don’t know if I can keep enjoying that kind of luck.

I am another year older.

I am always tired (it seems.)

People are thinking “what good is this guy?”

They think I am useless.

I don’t fucking matter anymore.

Why am I even trying?

What good am I to the world?

What do I have to give? To contribute to humanity…I can’t think of anything…

I am through wasting everyone’s time.

What did I do wrong?

The world doesn’t wait for anyone

…least of all, me.

I drink when this darkness comes – tonight, am 48 oz into a six-pack of PBR 16’s.

It diffuses the pain for a short period

It dulls my mind

But the sadness remains

Time for another

It’s time

I am writing this out of pure, unadulterated, chest-clenching fright.

I can’t think of what else to do.

My mind is not helping me. My heart is a dark and sad place. My soul is a tired and empty shell of what it once was.

I fear the death spiral. Stepping across that chasm and into the darkness.

I am alone.

I truly don’t know what I am doing most days. But I am doing everything – and I mean everything. I have nothing left to give. Except, maybe, anger. Anger to the rest of the world that has played some part in this…this…”scenario.”

I am so scared of making a mistake. I feel like my hands are tied as I watch this play out before my eyes.

What do I have to fucking do? Have I lost my ability to deal with this bullshit world? Maybe not so much the “ability” as it is the “desire” to deal with it. My exhaustion is so complete and all-encompassing, it equates to the drought we are putting our planet through right now. It’s like they are connected.

It’s an on-going internal conflict that I’ve dealt with most of my adult life.

I am waiting for a meeting to discuss some issues related to work and questions about my capabilities. My colleague tells me to my face that he strongly supports me. I get the same from my boss (why else would I get the nice salary bump I got?) I feel comfortable in my skills, knowledge and professional abilities. But I am now deathly afraid of how dark my mind has gotten. I don’t know what to expect. Death would be a welcome respite from these feelings. The quick solution. But I can’t leave Ann at a time like this. Who would take care of her if I was gone? I love her so much. I can’t leave her like this.

How the fuck am I supposed to deal with these feelings? What happened to my courage? When did my fear desert me? How do I keep going when I have nothing left inside to power my efforts? Am I not giving enough to this process? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE LIKE THIS?

I am in pain, it seems, nearly all the time.

Why?

What have I done to warrant this feeling?

It’s so habitual – I’ve probably done it to myself. In fact, it is self-inflicted.

I’m mentally exhausted, so that doesn’t help.

Am I THAT one-dimensional?

I REALLY don’t know what the fuck to do.

I can just sit here and stare off into space…I do that a lot.

I.

Just.

Exist.

Why?

I can’t do this anymore.

It’s been a while since I’ve last posted anything. When I logged back in, I noticed that I had a couple of things still “in process” that go back to mid last year. I feel a bit of frustration when that happens – like I am presenting an unfinished thought…and that has begun to bother me more these days. It says “disorganization” to me in the most in-your-face way possible. And, most days, I don’t need that.

My life as a total feels disorganized. And it’s felt that way for some time now. It’s not just because of the pandemic. Or anything political. Or climate change. Or neo-Nazis.

It’s all of it…and more.

What this world has become has severely diminished the humanity we used to cultivate – as if the oxygen has been sucked out of the atmosphere, killing everything we’ve worked so hard to nurture and grow. Things are moving faster and faster to satisfy some sick sense of immediate information gratification, to sate their appetite for attention with access to the Internet to put their ignorant, lie-based cuisine of their own contrived “facts” (read LIES.)

Anyone else tired of this?

Things are broken down into smaller and smaller tasks or pieces – I have no idea why.

And here I go again – it’s been a month since I wrote everything above this line of text. A part of this has to be due to my mental state – living with the “burnout” we are all dealing with. I have it. You have it.

Yes, you do.

It’s the loss of patience. It’s in the diminished capacity to be understanding and compassionate. It’s all covered in a thick layer of ambivalence. We all have felt it, to some degree or level at some time over the past 2 years.

The real question is “what are you going to do about it?”

I sure hope someone has the answer to that, because I sure don’t know.

I am so far under the water that I can’t find the way up.

And I have ZERO energy to keep paddling.

My head is so full of “noise” that I can’t hear my own heartbeat.

I have NOTHING LEFT to give.