Last week, I had the distinct honor of participating in what was called an “interiors test” for a large local aircraft manufacturer…okay, Boeing.  I was taken on a simulated 5 1/2 hour flight to Honolulu…<sigh>…  I can tell you that it was an adventure, regardless of the destination.

7:30 a.m.  As I am leaving home, my wonderful wife kisses me goodbye.  She also says something to the effect of “I hope you don’t end up next to somebody that likes to talk the entire flight.”  I smile and say “Yeah, me too.”

7:45 a.m.  Report to the research company bus that would take us to the test location.  I know I am a little early, but, as in a real travel situation, I don’t like to run to catch a plane.  I am the second person (besides the bus driver.)

Uh oh.

The first person is an overweight woman who appears to be talking non-stop with the bus driver.  And I mean non-stop.

I breathe deeply and try to distance myself from her.  I resolve that I will not sit next to – or anywhere near – this person.  I make every effort not to make eye contact with her as I move to an open bus seat.  I’m about 3 rows from her…if I can just…

“Don’t you think so?”

Damn.

Thinking quickly, I decided to use a tactic that had worked for me in the past – I smiled and kept on walking.

“Don’t you?”

Shoot.

“I really don’t think anything before I’ve gotten at least one cup of coffee in me,” I replied, gesturing with the Starbucks venti drip I was carrying.

She turned back to the driver.  Made it…

The next person on the bus was the representative from the research company.  I could also see more “subjects” arriving behind her.

“Okay, I need you two to move to seats at the rear of the bus to help us get you checked in.”

What?  I begin to feel a sense of dread come over me, as we dutifully change our seats.

The next subject was a young man who would serve as the buffer I was looking for – he loved to talk, and these two paired up in no time.  Safe.  Or was I?  We were going to be sitting a mock-up of an airplane cabin for 5 1/2 hours on a simulated flight.  While this guy would be sitting on one side of this woman, I could still be sitting on the other side!  And she would barely fit into a standard coach seat.  Being that this was a test situation, I could not ask to have my seat assignment changed.  What was I in for?

They completed checking everyone in, and the bus proceeded across the street into the test facility.  The drill was that we would be given written surveys approximately every hour, at which time they would take pulse and blood gas readings.  We would be served snacks, beverages and lunch (how realistic is that?)  We could watch movies on portable DVD players, and do what ever we brought along to do for the “trip.”  It all sounded pretty good, as long as I did not have to sit next to this person.

With a sense of resignation, we trooped down the large hallway to the mock-up, located in an anechoic chamber near one end of the building.  We climber the steep steel stairs to the mock-up and stepped inside.  To my great relief, the seating arrangement was 2-3-2…two seats on the left, 3 seats in the middle and 2 seats on the right.  My seat assignment put me on the aisle of the middle 3 seats – yes!!  Any distance was appreciated.

As the simulation progressed, the sound of jet engines vibrated through the fixed cabin (thank God they weren’t going to be simulating turbulence,) these two people would not stop talking!  There was wayyy too much sharing going on.  I found myself wondering if I wasn’t being overly critical.  It was at that exact moment, I noticed the young woman sitting next to me (sketching the whole time) look up over the top of her pad of paper at these two, then at me, and ask me –

“Do you think they will ever shut up?”

I was not alone.

“I don’t think it’s looking good” I replied.

All I can say is “thank God” they handed out the DVD players and movies.  Once they plugged in, we all enjoyed a two-hour period of peace.

Until the scheduled surveys were handed out, that is.  They had to chat about every question and the meaning of this and that.  The test administrator had to tell them to be quiet about discussing the surveys, as their talking kept everyone else from concentrating on their own answers.  So, the movies (and the food) kept their mouths quiet at certain times.

After that, it was a moderately tolerable experience.  And we were compensated nicely.  When I got home and told my wife of the experience, we both had a pretty good laugh at her “reverse” prediction.

All-in-all, it was a memorable experience.  I would recommend it.