The darkness is closing in around me. The hopelessness eats away at my very soul. I am alone on a planet devoid of humanity. The very realization of this drags the last bits of light from my life, leaving me a walking zombie-like shell of a man.
I feel no discernible spark of life – no wants, no needs, no desires, and no emotions. I have lost all credibility with myself and my ability to speak to others with a feigned positive outlook on life. Who am I to talk? I can’t even make sense of my own existence any more.
What did I do wrong?
How am I to move ahead?
Where do I go?
Do I matter anymore?
In losing my own sense of self in this life, have I really relinquished my ability to function? Is my contribution to the progression of life on this planet not needed? Is my usefulness to humanity over? Is my usefulness to myself a mistake that I have spent my life living?
Depression is the darkness I battle. And it is not something that you can just fix by “being happy” and “smiling.” People that tell you that have no concept of the world we live in. I just can’t suck it up and deal with it – at least not without help.
Being out of work for this long is killing me so slowly that I don’t even know that I’m dead yet. What am I to do? People keep saying “hang on” and “it will happen” – and I find myself running out of the energy to do that. And I am finding precious little to give me any replenishment of that energy to keep going. And that drain on my psyche is depleting my ability to visualize what those successes will look like. I need some “wins” – however little or big – to keep going.
Can I get out of my own way to allow those “wins” to happen? I am beginning to wonder.
Nobody calls.
Nobody writes.
Nobody gives a shit.
I feel as though I am losing more and more contact with the people I know…or knew. Is it my personality? Is it my lack of personality? Is it my attitude? Have I said or done something to drive people away? What has made me this way? What is causing these questions? What have I done wrong? If nobody gives a shit, why should I?
Depression is the darkness I battle.
But, who cares…right?