My sadness is deep today.

Why?

That’s a big question. Answering it gets us in more trouble and grief than any of the others.

How can I get out of this darkness?

Am I on the right path?

Wait a minute…

Maybe…I’m not?

Fuck.

What now?

I think I know what I want to add to my life that may make a difference.

How can I get more people to like me?  How can I bring happiness to larger numbers of people?  Through humor, laughter, music, film, writing…

Is it too late for me?

I’d like to think not.

But, I am old…er.

What makes me relevant?

That’s a big question to answer.  Right now, when I ponder that question, the sadness grows.

What am I worth to the world?

What am I afraid of?  Where will I get the strength?

I can’t seem to focus on anything.  I can’t show any weakness or emotion (fear) lest I set off that depend on me in a panic.  I have to keep it bottled up and hidden away inside me.  It is taking it’s toll on me.  Physically.

How do I move out of this darkness?  It makes me very afraid.  And very, very sad.

It’s hard to be optimistic these days, but its critical that I am.

It’s a fucking exhausting world.

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