I’m not sure if anyone reads this (especially since I’ve not written for 2 years…duh…) If so, great. If not, then this is hopefully something I can do to help navigate the ups and downs of life in the world today.

Depression is misunderstood by a majority of the population. Even my wife. And she’s an MSW.

I’ve lived with it for most of my life. Most times, you “deal with it.” Alone. Men don’t dare tell anyone you are having “issues,” lest you be stigmatized as being weak or vulnerable. You simply ride it out.

When you are younger, context isn’t an issue. And you have plenty of diversions to take you mind off of the ups and downs you are experiencing. But as you grow older, and your humanitarian “buffer” of family and friends begin to wear away, and the world grows more and more complex and stark, you find yourself left alone to deal with the full brunt of these chemical changes in your brain. These changes that make the bottom drop out of your heart and cast a darkness over your soul that is so dense as to cause you to doubt your ability to “ride it out.”

Some people say things like –

“You can choose to be happy, you know?”

“Cheer up!”

“Smile!”

…and so on.

They confuse depressing with depression. They can’t understand what it’s like to feel the depths of despair that these episodes create. You want to die – anything to stop the pain and mental torture we endure. Your mind repeats, over and over, all of the negative thoughts racing through your brain. True or not, it screams at you 24/7, until your exhausted soul will do anything to make the pain stop. Anything. Death will be welcomed, if it meant that this vicious cycle is broken. And what makes it 1000 time worse, is your mind telling you that you are on your own dealing with this. Nobody gives a shit.

I know. I’ve been there before.

I’m there right now.