Anyone there? I’m never sure…

I don’t quite know what I am looking for in writing these posts. I typically have written most everything in long-hand.  I love writing and drawing – anything with a pen or pencil in my hand. I’m old-fashioned, I guess.

It’s feeling like another dark day, filled with questions and doubt. It tends to pull the bottom of my heart out and let everything drop into the dark pits. I question everything in my existence that I’ve “accomplished.” The resulting internal dialog is what I find the most painful and maddening part of these time. It’s like I can’t find any quiet or peace to rest and recharge, to sort things out and give myself the confidence and support I need. The time I need to seek the answers to questions like;

• Why am I here?
• Do I bring any value to the world?
• What am I supposed to be doing?
• Am I good enough?

And many more…

A lot of it is exhaustion. I haven’t had a vacation in probably 3 years (or more?) But the pain this life puts me through at these times is excruciating. The constant mental dialog (brain noise) only adds to the hopelessness that quickly builds in my heart. I would do anything to stop the noise and the pain inside me.

Anything.

And nobody understands this sort of existence. They judge…or they dismiss.

And it’s still dark…

Hello?