It’s another day where I feel like I want to jump out of my skin.

I hate these days.

The mental noise is deafening. I want it to STOP.

It’s been 11 year this August since I was laid off for the first time in my LIFE. At the time, it was the biggest shock of my life. I was too stupid to see it coming my way. The economy was tanking everywhere, and I didn’t foresee it overtaking me. But reality can be a cold bitch.

When the shock wore off, I did find a lot of positivity from the event – optimism that fueled by personal and professional survival. For that, I am thankful for having gone through it.

But now, looking back, that is the last time in my life that I felt real and solid personal security in my life. Professionally, I am now, forever looking through a lens of being disposable to the working world.

Hell, that can even go for how I feel about being in this country. We ae now a society that considers anyone who doesn’t agree with us as disposable. We are so out of touch with our humanity that life has become cheap. We are desensitized of the pain we are capable of inflicting on each other. And we have no understanding of how that type of injury affects each of us.

And when you are dealing with that kind of “life” yourself, it is a lonely and frightening time. You really don’t know if this might be the time that you are pushed through that doorway. Weighing the pain you’ve endured for so long against taking a step that can’t be undone is a place I would not wish on anyone…ANYONE. You don’t know darkness like this. It affects your soul.

For me, if I am able to hang on by my fingernails and ride it out for however long it takes, it has passed. But being in that darkness, you DO NOT KNOW if that light is coming, EVER. You can’t even imagine it. And when it happens, you feel like a tiny bit more of you has died.

And when you try to fit back in to daily life, it’s more difficult. It takes more and more energy to cope with things, leaving less and less for your defense the next time the roller coaster plunges.

I want it to stop.

It sucks.