This is getting bad.

I’ve been tired before – drifting-off tired.

– chin-on-the-chest tired…

– can’t-stop-yawning tired…

– unable-to-focus tired…

– ??? tired…

It’s getting more and more obvious to me that I have to do…something. Specifically. TAKE A VACATION.

It’s even hard for me to type this because my mind wanders over to sleep mode all too easily. And it’s connection with my fingers gets lost sometimes.

The double-shot in my venti drip is starting to kick in. Now, all I have to do is keep the caffeine levels up during the course of the day.

I just want to apologize to anyone reading this. It is obvious that I complain a lot in this blog. And this is not the only place where I write like this. I also have a journal that I write in and I complain there, as well.

I have been dealing with depression most of my life. For many years, I’ve kept this shit bottled up inside me., like a good boy. And – maybe it was my youthful energy – I was able to do it. What I discovered later in life was that it had a cost. My physical health began to suffer from this self-imposed stress thanks to societal norms (real men don’t show emotion and all…) The mental and physical pain it causes is of a level that can’t be described with words. Anyone would cry out in pain.

Not wanting to burden anyone else with this, I turned to writing several years ago. First in the journals, then this blog. It was a way to get this crap out of my head by dumping it into this writing. Sometimes, it would feel like I am talking with someone who understood what I am going through, even when I knew that no real person would  listen or care, let alone understand.

If you skip over reading my blog, I understand. It was never meant to elicit a response from anyone. It’s just me screaming into the darkness to unburden my heart.

Maybe someday soon, I will wake up…