Are you as tired as I am?

Who am I kidding? Nobody is reading this. Not one real person is taking the time to read my diatribes. I know that. But I still feel the need to write, to get this out of my brain – out of my system – to hopefully slow the process of these feelings completely consuming my soul.

I can’t think that I’m the only on that feels this way. A hollow shell of a human being who’s lost touch with what it means to feel peace, contentment, happiness, love…just about everything we are to be as a meaningful participant of this life we are given. And I’ve had my fill of it.

I struggle with keeping my mind active and alert during the day. I deal with an every-expanding darkness that inhabits my being. It’s impossible to focus and think when I feel like that. I fade in and out, my thoughts wander and I drift mentally. I feel useless and worthless to those around me. And that makes me angry.

My anger is another part of this equation that I abhor. It permeates my attitude and my personality to the point that I have trouble controlling it, let alone stopping it. I’ve NEVER come to physical violence to anyone else (than God) but I do think about it – doing violence to those who are perverting our country. I think you know who I’m talking about (as well as all of his sycophantic followers.) I am angry that there is so little intelligent life in this country.

I’m not sure what’s going on in my life. It’s like water rushing past me in a fast-moving river, sweeping me closer and closer to a high waterfall. The fall will surely kill me – if I don’t drown first.

See?

I talk about death and wanting to “end it all” a lot. It’s more of a reflex for me now. I know that’s not “healthy” for me. But who gives a rip? Nobody is reading this. I’m just shouting into the darkness. I am alone.

What am I supposed to do? I can’t trust anyone. Nobody wants to help, or even listen. Not that I can blame them – I feel as though I’m pretty damn depressing.

If I make changes, what little grasp on reality will I lose?

I feel less and less hopeful that I will find a pain and discomfort free life before it comes to it’s ultimate conclusion.

And, when all is said and done, I will have made no impact, had no effect, left no legacy on the world. It will be as if I had never existed.

And I find that profoundly sad.