It’s hard to say this, but I have to. I always find myself saying that I want to die – continually, repeatedly. Over and over and over…without even thinking.

With the sickening sight of a Minneapolis cop kneeling on the neck of George Floyd for almost nine minutes. He knowingly crushed his windpipe until he was another lifeless causality of the racial divide that still exists in this country. He and his cop buddies have been fired and the kneeler has been charged with murder 2/manslaughter. IMHO, ALL of them should be charged and do hard time…ALL OF THEM. It was more than I could handle. I cried.

Now we have peaceful demonstrations being infiltrated by Trump’s white supremacist followers who have been inciting riots, violence and arson under the guise of being a part of the Black Lives Matter movement. Sick sons of bitches. Those are who you want to come down on…hard.

This country is going down the toilet fast. All thanks to Trump and his Republican bitches. We’ve had three days (so far) of nation-wide demonstrations, riots and looting…the latter two items courtesy of Trumps white-supremacist toadies. All the while, he was hiding in the White House PEOC with all of the building’s lights out. He’s a chicken-shit piece of garbage that needs to have him and his inbred family put out of our misery. Some time in Federal ass-pounding prison for the whole Republican lot of ’em.

I hope I live to see that. It gets harder and harder for me to get up in the morning and take on another day of this bullshit. I am unable to think straight to determine what my next step should be. I feel like a zombie. A tortured spirit caught between two planes, between the darkness and the light. I have no idea why I am here or what I am supposed to fucking do.

My own body seems to reject me at times, little by little. Telling me in some fashion “Nope. Sorry. Not any more. You’re done.” I know what I look like – human eyesore. An old guy taking up space in the world.

My mood is like a pile driver – slow draw up in the air, really high….then I come crashing down on the head of the pile I am driving further and further into the ground. It’s at that moment, I have no desire or energy to do anything…nothing…and the emptiness envelopes me. The darkness closes in around my heart…and feel like everything I am doing is a futile effort.

I’m exhausted.

Nobody helps me.

Nobody gives a damn.

I am alone.

I am empty.

What now?

Is life supposed to feel this way?