I start to write this post, not knowing where it will take me. The entire world has gone mad. The police are out of control. Black people are being killed at an insane rate in this country. It sickens any rational human being with a conscience. It has to end. Now.

The anger I am feeling is eating my very soul. It is piled on top of the rest of my inner demons screaming to be released from the abyss within. I want to end the pain our country has endured for almost 4 years with one lightning bolt. I want to take a Louisville Slugger to the heartless shit bags who have killed innocent black Americans for no other reason than they could. It could be anyone. Who’s next?

It’s been a different day – not a “normal” day. What ever the fuck that is. Sometimes, my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest. My pulse races and I feel myself panicking. It sucks the spirit right out of me.

I am sad.

The Republican stooges have raped and pillaged the country. A change is marching before us. I don’t know what will happen or how it will impact our lives. I don’t even know if I will be able to deal with my demons to know what’s going on in the world.

I’m drinking tequila. It sometimes takes the edge off of these “episodes” and lets me get closer to relaxing.

The darkness is still there. I can feel it permeating my mind and filling my heart. Is that why my heart is pounding out of my chest? To escape? To abandon me?

It’s late. My mind is not going to let me sleep anytime soon. It’s going to keep denigrating me for some time.

You’re old.

You’re fat.

You’re stupid.

You’re out of shape.

You’re dense.

…and on and on and on and on and…

And nobody gives a shit about anyone other than themselves.

Another day – and when I even briefly consider how much I have to get done, it takes all of my energy not to scream bloody murder and cuss like a longshoreman. There NEVER seems to be any time to do anything! What the fuck am I put on this planet for? To have eternal anger issues, taking everything out on myself? I am stressed beyond all reason. I am worrying about my wife and her health issues – it scares me to DEATH. She has trouble remembering things. I need to be around to take care of her. It’s what HAS to be. And, I am doing EVERY-FUCKING-THING ALONE.

Another day of wanting to jump out of my fucking skin. I am profoundly sad and angry beyond measure. I need more Jack Daniels to cope with this shit. Why am I even here? It feels like my heart wants to pound out of my chest. God help me. God please help me. I do want to die.

How am I supposed to function?

This week has been hectic, to say the least. And I’ve had some monumental ups and downs – inside my mind. I am still struggling to corral my emotions and deal with my fears. I am torn between this world and wanting it to all be OVER with. I can tell I’m sliding downward, especially when I can’t tell where I am, what I am doing or even what day it is.

These writings (as I have always felt) are seen as the whining and complaining of someone who doesn’t want to expend the effort to fix my own problems. Well, I would put forth the effort if I knew WHAT THE FUCKING HELL TO DO. The chatter (the only term I can think of to characterize it) in my brain seems to get louder and more pointed and more…mean? I almost said evil, but I can’t seem to make that determination. And all I can think to do when it gets to be too much for me to handle is to either focus on my work or drink. And, since I have been having increasing issues with focusing on things like work…you can see where this is going.

My wife noticed me writing in my journal yesterday. When she asked me what I was writing about, I tried to gloss over the hard details and told her that I was writing to get things out of my head to clear my mind and help me relax. The hard truth is my writings in the journal are another form of these writings. But in more raw and unvarnished passages – an outpouring of the mental garbage I am still working through on a daily basis. She’s got her own health issues to deal with. She doesn’t need to pile my crap on top of that.

There is pain in this world. We all deal with it at some level at times our respective lives. There are those of us that have been blessed with loving families that have provided support and encouragement throughout their lives. And there are also those that haven’t.

I’m running my emotional reserves dry. My energy is nearly gone. I can’t conceive of how I can go on. I can’t perceive of how I can replenish my spirit to continue. And now, I (white male, over 40) am to blame for all of the problems that our society is facing. Even though I want to help, being told to change and any help I do offer is not good enough because I couldn’t begin to understand the plight of who I am supposed to help…where am I to go from there? You think being punished for the sins of those who lived before me isn’t without its own pains?

As a guy, my knee-jerk response to any issue like that is to fix it. Done. Being married to my wonderful wife has taught me one thing in that regard. Sometimes, you don’t “fix”. You LISTEN. And be there for each other. And work to understand the others viewpoint, and empathize with their pain.

And just be there.