I am writing this out of pure, unadulterated, chest-clenching fright.

I can’t think of what else to do.

My mind is not helping me. My heart is a dark and sad place. My soul is a tired and empty shell of what it once was.

I fear the death spiral. Stepping across that chasm and into the darkness.

I am alone.

I truly don’t know what I am doing most days. But I am doing everything – and I mean everything. I have nothing left to give. Except, maybe, anger. Anger to the rest of the world that has played some part in this…this…”scenario.”

I am so scared of making a mistake. I feel like my hands are tied as I watch this play out before my eyes.

What do I have to fucking do? Have I lost my ability to deal with this bullshit world? Maybe not so much the “ability” as it is the “desire” to deal with it. My exhaustion is so complete and all-encompassing, it equates to the drought we are putting our planet through right now. It’s like they are connected.

It’s an on-going internal conflict that I’ve dealt with most of my adult life.

I am waiting for a meeting to discuss some issues related to work and questions about my capabilities. My colleague tells me to my face that he strongly supports me. I get the same from my boss (why else would I get the nice salary bump I got?) I feel comfortable in my skills, knowledge and professional abilities. But I am now deathly afraid of how dark my mind has gotten. I don’t know what to expect. Death would be a welcome respite from these feelings. The quick solution. But I can’t leave Ann at a time like this. Who would take care of her if I was gone? I love her so much. I can’t leave her like this.

How the fuck am I supposed to deal with these feelings? What happened to my courage? When did my fear desert me? How do I keep going when I have nothing left inside to power my efforts? Am I not giving enough to this process? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE LIKE THIS?

I am in pain, it seems, nearly all the time.

Why?

What have I done to warrant this feeling?

It’s so habitual – I’ve probably done it to myself. In fact, it is self-inflicted.

I’m mentally exhausted, so that doesn’t help.

Am I THAT one-dimensional?

I REALLY don’t know what the fuck to do.

I can just sit here and stare off into space…I do that a lot.

I.

Just.

Exist.

Why?