In my exhaustion, I lose my ability to make sense of what I am.

Why am I supposed to have all of the answers to life’s questions? My wife seems to think so. She gets pissed off and angry if I don’t.

It’s putting me in a very, very, very dark place again.

Now, the doctor’s find indications of “dementia” in my wife memory episodes. I have been fearing this for a while, but I was lost as to how to get help for her (and I.) The details that I was dealing with aside, it really came to light in a surgical procedure she had done. She became very agitated when she was coming out of the anesthetic and became very combative to the recovery ward staff. I spent a late night there with them trying to get her to calm down and sleep – And it scared me to death.

Time does pass…albeit slowly but surely. Most of the time, I find my inner voices constantly telling me that I don’t know what I am doing in dealing with this “situation.” I am so drained that I can only nod in agreement. I am also fearful that I am probably doing more harm than good. More often than not, it’s her that says “I want a divorce.” My response has become “Too bad. You’re not getting one.” And she leaves it at that. I take my wedding vows seriously – I really don’t know what she does these days.

Her anger is usually gone shortly after each episode. And I know that her yelling and vitriol is something that she can’t always control (as she says.) We’ve made the first try with a neurologist to make an assessment of her condition (per her “doctor”) which wasn’t too productive because Ann got angry and walked out of the office before anything could be finished. She refuses to accept what this condition could truly be (dementia, et al) as compared to her belief that she doesn’t get good sleep due to the severe hip pain she’s had for so long, making her tired. I don’t know why she thinks she doesn’t get good sleep – as I see it, she is in bed for around 8 to 9 hours a night.

She is as stubborn as her dad was. And as mean in her anger towards me as he probably was to her when she was growing up. I can’t imagine what she had to put up with in dealing with them. But this is destroying me. I am happy to take care of her as much as she needs for whatever the outcome of this is. But right now I am an empty shell of a person, bereft of feelings, emotions, thoughts and missing a spark for my spirit. I have been subsumed by this situation, this disease and I am afraid of where my path will take me. That is, if I have any hope of making it through this alive.

I have nobody to talk to, to help me, to guide me or even just be on my side. Even if I did, I can’t let them into the entirety of my world. This is just too much for me to let out to anyone on this planet that I even care about remotely. It’s just too much for anyone to deal with and I wouldn’t wish it on them. I live here. I barely make it through each time I’ve found my spirit here by shear luck. I don’t know if I can keep enjoying that kind of luck.