viewfromthecurb

It won’t be long now.
Something is going to happen – I don’t know what. But I feel it.
I’m approaching the end of something that feels (right now) like my life.
But, I don’t know what it is.
I am in the dark, speeding through the night without headlights.
All alone.
Nobody that cares what happens to me.
Society is done with me – I am of no further use.
My positive attitude is exhausted – I’ve got nothing left.
I don’t know what to do, where to go…nothing.
Now, all I want is peace.
It won’t be long now.

Who cares?
I thought I did…once.
Then my life was turned inside out.
When life hands you lemons, make lemonade.
Yeah, right.
Everyone has their ups and downs. Me included.
And, in the past, I could get my positive mojo back – after a time.
But I feel like such a hypocrite – professing that the Law of Attraction will bring me back from the brink. I feel like such a liar portraying that face to those around me. At least those precious few that are still around. Have I alienated everyone? Have I done something wrong? Have I been incorrectly putting the Law into practice, thus causing my stagnation in life?
When you have questions, aren’t you supposed to turn to your friends and family for advice and support? What I thought I had, I seem to have lost…somehow. I don’t feel as if I have any friends that care anymore. And my family doesn’t know what to do with me, or how to deal with me at times like this.
I find myself saying “I don’t want to live…” a lot. I mean a lot. And I can’t seem to stop saying it.
But I’ve noticed that it is an unfinished sentence.
It could be “I don’t want to live…like this anymore.”
Or “I don’t want to live…in the darkness.”
Or, it could be “I don’t want to live…anymore.”
But who cares?
Right?

The darkness is closing in around me. The hopelessness eats away at my very soul. I am alone on a planet devoid of humanity. The very realization of this drags the last bits of light from my life, leaving me a walking zombie-like shell of a man.
I feel no discernible spark of life – no wants, no needs, no desires, and no emotions. I have lost all credibility with myself and my ability to speak to others with a feigned positive outlook on life. Who am I to talk? I can’t even make sense of my own existence any more.
What did I do wrong?
How am I to move ahead?
Where do I go?
Do I matter anymore?
In losing my own sense of self in this life, have I really relinquished my ability to function? Is my contribution to the progression of life on this planet not needed? Is my usefulness to humanity over? Is my usefulness to myself a mistake that I have spent my life living?
Depression is the darkness I battle. And it is not something that you can just fix by “being happy” and “smiling.” People that tell you that have no concept of the world we live in. I just can’t suck it up and deal with it – at least not without help.
Being out of work for this long is killing me so slowly that I don’t even know that I’m dead yet. What am I to do? People keep saying “hang on” and “it will happen” – and I find myself running out of the energy to do that. And I am finding precious little to give me any replenishment of that energy to keep going. And that drain on my psyche is depleting my ability to visualize what those successes will look like. I need some “wins” – however little or big – to keep going.
Can I get out of my own way to allow those “wins” to happen? I am beginning to wonder.
Nobody calls.
Nobody writes.
Nobody gives a shit.
I feel as though I am losing more and more contact with the people I know…or knew. Is it my personality? Is it my lack of personality? Is it my attitude? Have I said or done something to drive people away? What has made me this way? What is causing these questions? What have I done wrong? If nobody gives a shit, why should I?
Depression is the darkness I battle.
But, who cares…right?

Stay tuned – I am working to come back to posting more here…so much to say…