viewfromthecurb

I’ve tried hard to be a good person. A supportive husband. We’re coming up on 31 years of marriage.

I have little strength left to deal with the world and the way things are. It takes so much out of you to begin with just dealing with Covid.

I’ve done what I could to keep clear of the disease, for both of our benefit. This includes getting vaccinated.

On the other hand, my wife’s “doctor” has always told her NOT to get vaccinated for anything. NOT EVEN COVID. She claims that they “put the virus in the vaccine” (flu or Covid) and they rush it into production so they can make the most profit. All without a lick of proof or medical data to support it.

I asked her if she’d taken the Covid shot. Well, of course she had to, being a “doctor” and all…also to protect her family.

My wife trusts her advice and is resisting getting vaccinated. She’s made that decision and I don’t fucking get a choice. And now, she’s complaining that she can’t go anywhere or do anything because she’s not vaccinated.

I am eating myself up inside. With fear for my wife’s life. And with the blinding anger and rage towards those that are responsible for causing this pain to my family, friends and loved ones. The choice of protecting my wife has been taken away from me. Someone will be held accountable.

I have dealt with depression my entire life. I can’t go on like this. I feel lost. I have nothing left to give. I am empty.

What am I supposed to do?

Ever have that feeling?

We all have, at one time or another.

You walk into a grocery store after getting off work. There is a huge crowd at the check-out. You think “That sucks. I’ll be out of here just as soon as I grab….some…a…uhhh…”

Your mind is a complete blank.

It happens. We’re all on information overload on a fairly constant basis these days.

I’m talking about a whole other level of “overload” that I’m feeling lately.

The kind of feeling that crushes the breath out of you when you even consider the amount of work that needs to be done. At least, that’s how it is affecting me. Raised blood pressure, panic, frustrations, anger…you name it. And I have no idea why. I wasn’t like this before – what could have possibly changed to give me these feelings?

My mind goes blank. I can’t focus on anything. I feel…defeated. Even before I have done anything, I think less of myself and my efforts and I feel…old.

For me, I know all of the self-help gurus and the philosophical approaches to take in addressing this negativity and wiping it from my life. I’ve done them. And I’ll likely use them again.

But the last 4+ years have exacted a toll from all of us – at least it has from me. The energy and optimism that was stored in my soul has been depleted. I don’t know how much of it I have left to support my own existence, let alone replenish myself to continue. And that doesn’t even start to consider what I, as a human being, need to do (or am expected to do) to maintain my place in society today.

When someone tells me “happiness is a choice,” it makes me sad. Don’t you think I know that? What makes you think that everyone has the energy and spirit to just flip a switch and be happy? You have no concept of what I’ve been through and what my life is like right now. I guess ignorance is still bliss for some.

We have a world that has an incredible amount of information available to the world immediately – day or night. Much as television did, “smart” phones hold the attention of most of the worlds population on a daily basis. We’ve been assimilated into a world of immediate information and entertainment gratification.

And what has that gotten us? A high-speed lifestyle with little human interaction and contact. And it has wrought a scourge on our society of soft-brained simpletons that used to be hypnotized by their 80″ flat-screen televisions, who are now worshipping their phones through which all of the made-up bullshit that can be created is focused at making these people afraid of everything and telling who’s to blame for their lot in life. Personal accountability is gone. Morality is a tool. Humanity is a sign of weakness. Kindness is non-existent. It’s Us vs Them. I am right and you are wrong – period.

I am living a meager existence in the ability to rebuild my own soul. There is not much energy to draw from. But I have asked many questions of the universe every day over the past 4+ years that I am still waiting for answers to. Why is this happening? What good can come from this? What does this mean? What am I supposed to do?

And the one that underlies them all:

Why am I here?

Have you ever felt such a sense of emptiness and darkness that you had no idea what to do?

Your pulse races…

…the pit drops out from your stomach…

…your breathing is rapid…

…your mind can’t focus…

…your hands shake…

…the energy you thought you had suddenly vanishes…

That’s what I am experiencing right now. I have a deep feeling of emptiness and a profound sense of sadness.

I hate it. It stops everything that I want to do and feels like a power outage in my soul. I used to be better grounded in my life – in my “younger” days. What has happened to me? Age? What? Try as I might, I have been unable to see it.

Have you ever felt anything like that before?

I have. And I’ve never liked it.

I immediately assume that something is wrong with me…right?

You’ve never felt that way before…really?

Sure.

Nobody gives a shit anymore. Nobody gives a good Goddamn about your or your problems.

It’s me again.

I know it’s been quite a while since my last post.

A lot has happened since September of last year. I won’t go into too much excruciating detail here, but let’s just say that the world is a much brighter place…brighter than it was before. The trend is to the positive.

I have been having my challenges – mostly health issues. I just turned another year older late last month, so you can imagine what shit like this is doing to my mental dialogue.

I am blessed in my life. My wife is the best. I have a great job and a warm place to live. I like to also think that the people I call my friends are fun, caring and quality individuals – even though I haven’t seen nor heard from most of them since this pandemic caused the country to go into lock-down a year ago.

A whole year – unbelievable.

What will the world look like when we are through dealing with this virus? The likely answer is something we’re all in fear of. Mostly the fear of how we’ll be inconvenienced, rather than how it will impact our collective humanity. That response is something we should all be afraid of.

I’m tired right now. It seems that I am always feeling tired these days. I guess pain does that to you (amongst other things.) I’ll try hard to write more here in the coming days.

I just wanted to stick my head in the door and say…

“Hello.”

How is “social media” reconciled with the anti-social impact it’s had on society?

For a “connected” world, we have never been so isolated and disconnected as we are right now.

There are children – right now – that lack the brain chemistry or social skills to have a face-to-face conversation with another human being.

We have relinquished control and accountability for whatever we say or do. Meaningful dialogue is dead (or at least in a deep coma.) It was put there by our own failure to account for the magnificent power and unlimited capacity of the human mind.

Why know anything when all you could want to know or need is in that little package of electronics permanently attached to your hand?

You think I’m kidding? Try smashing that device with a hammer or dropping it down a sewer drain and see how you feel. Someone takes your “smart” phone away and you scream bloody murder, as if someone is actually ripping your brain out of your skull. You’d do anything to make the “pain” stop.

I find it hard to believe that this aspect of the influence of immediate data access wasn’t considered. We’re hooked on the electronic drug, and it has become so much a part of our lives that it is, literally, another organ for our bodies to account for. It has meant that nobody has to learn anything, because any problem that comes up in life is solved by anyone if they simply (say it with me…):

Google it

I’m not a young person. I grew up with pencils, rotary dial phones, school books, cursive and Lawn Darts and I came out (at least I think so) fine. But, I joined the “digital cult” to keep current in my professional life (primarily.) But I, like a lot of others, became slowly addicted to the immediate gratification these devices brought. Immediate communication. Immediate knowledge. Immediate entertainment. Immediate shopping…you name it. Very soon after, the thing was always in my hand or very close by and I was looking at it all the fucking time.

I guess I can say that I’m as “hooked” as anyone. But I look on this parasitic thing and question it’s real benefit to my life every day. I like to think that I am an intelligent person, with critical thinking abilities and the desire to express myself creatively to the benefit of others.

What I am getting at is, we were a siloed society before this Covid19 stuff hit us. And, thanks to the incompetence of the gang of idiots in D.C., the entire fucking nation had to shut down and isolate. It was further driving us, as a community, apart. In a pandemic, a new phrase shot to the forefront of everyone’s vocabulary – social distancing. As if to explain it away as just another method to combat the further transmission of this disease, it also had the effect of people clutching their devices even tighter, literally crawling inside of them to interact with other human beings. And, outside of our immediate family with whom we are sequestered, ALL of our contact is in the digital realm…ALL OF IT.

Now, as we slowly venture back out into the community, we are still isolated. Masks, gloves, no closer than 6 feet, no hand shake or hugs…it’s a start. But the way things were seems so foreign now. Don’t you think?

I miss those days.

They were stolen from us – likely never to be quite the same again.

They were stolen from us by the incompetence of the clowns at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue and the Capitol. The Republican “party” have raped and pillaged this nation for the last 4 years. They have murdered good citizens for no reason. They have garnered hate and division amongst us, destroying the founding fathers vision, trashing the principals and integrity we once cherished and stolen the very future of our planet. These are the highest crimes against humanity and they must be dispensed with the highest penalty we can exact on those that perpetrated them.

I’m having a hard time with my depression these days. I know everyone is having their own problems with the world, and my issues don’t even register on the scale in the greater scheme of things. But, to me, the darkness is very real and very frightening. My inner demons get louder and louder and it takes more and more of my energy to keep them in check. I could get some replenishment from being free to go where I want and interact with real live people. It didn’t fix everything, but it seemed to help (as I recall.)

Now, with that contact gone, and the anger inside me growing at these fascist pieces of shit robbing and killing in the name of the Mango Messiah, I have never felt more empty in my life. My heart and my soul feel dark and cold. Digital interactions with my fellow humans does nothing to truly connect me to a real, living and breathing person. I feel like the HUMANITY in this country is in danger of being extinguished. I want to fight…

But I have nothing left inside.

I am the hollow shell of a person. – a person that used to be me.

I find myself wondering if I can make it this time. I can feel the sadness welling up inside me. But I am unable to weep. No tears come.

Those that foment division and violence against other humans that don’t fit their narrow picture of what is “right” display their ignorance and total lack of intelligence every night on the news, as well as ever minute of every hour on social media. It wells the anger up inside me. I am not an inherently violent person. But I will defend my family and our home however I have to. And I want immediate and sharp action against this scourge – scorched earth, wiped clean of this vermin. Sometimes, one needs to do what it takes to get the job done.

I bide my time until November 3rd. I hope and I pray for our country’s future – that evil will be vanquished. I sit here as the empty husk of a person that once wanted this country to live up to it’s promise –

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

I hope I am there to see it.

Peace.

I start to write this post, not knowing where it will take me. The entire world has gone mad. The police are out of control. Black people are being killed at an insane rate in this country. It sickens any rational human being with a conscience. It has to end. Now.

The anger I am feeling is eating my very soul. It is piled on top of the rest of my inner demons screaming to be released from the abyss within. I want to end the pain our country has endured for almost 4 years with one lightning bolt. I want to take a Louisville Slugger to the heartless shit bags who have killed innocent black Americans for no other reason than they could. It could be anyone. Who’s next?

It’s been a different day – not a “normal” day. What ever the fuck that is. Sometimes, my heart feels like it’s going to burst out of my chest. My pulse races and I feel myself panicking. It sucks the spirit right out of me.

I am sad.

The Republican stooges have raped and pillaged the country. A change is marching before us. I don’t know what will happen or how it will impact our lives. I don’t even know if I will be able to deal with my demons to know what’s going on in the world.

I’m drinking tequila. It sometimes takes the edge off of these “episodes” and lets me get closer to relaxing.

The darkness is still there. I can feel it permeating my mind and filling my heart. Is that why my heart is pounding out of my chest? To escape? To abandon me?

It’s late. My mind is not going to let me sleep anytime soon. It’s going to keep denigrating me for some time.

You’re old.

You’re fat.

You’re stupid.

You’re out of shape.

You’re dense.

…and on and on and on and on and…

And nobody gives a shit about anyone other than themselves.

Another day – and when I even briefly consider how much I have to get done, it takes all of my energy not to scream bloody murder and cuss like a longshoreman. There NEVER seems to be any time to do anything! What the fuck am I put on this planet for? To have eternal anger issues, taking everything out on myself? I am stressed beyond all reason. I am worrying about my wife and her health issues – it scares me to DEATH. She has trouble remembering things. I need to be around to take care of her. It’s what HAS to be. And, I am doing EVERY-FUCKING-THING ALONE.

Another day of wanting to jump out of my fucking skin. I am profoundly sad and angry beyond measure. I need more Jack Daniels to cope with this shit. Why am I even here? It feels like my heart wants to pound out of my chest. God help me. God please help me. I do want to die.

How am I supposed to function?

This week has been hectic, to say the least. And I’ve had some monumental ups and downs – inside my mind. I am still struggling to corral my emotions and deal with my fears. I am torn between this world and wanting it to all be OVER with. I can tell I’m sliding downward, especially when I can’t tell where I am, what I am doing or even what day it is.

These writings (as I have always felt) are seen as the whining and complaining of someone who doesn’t want to expend the effort to fix my own problems. Well, I would put forth the effort if I knew WHAT THE FUCKING HELL TO DO. The chatter (the only term I can think of to characterize it) in my brain seems to get louder and more pointed and more…mean? I almost said evil, but I can’t seem to make that determination. And all I can think to do when it gets to be too much for me to handle is to either focus on my work or drink. And, since I have been having increasing issues with focusing on things like work…you can see where this is going.

My wife noticed me writing in my journal yesterday. When she asked me what I was writing about, I tried to gloss over the hard details and told her that I was writing to get things out of my head to clear my mind and help me relax. The hard truth is my writings in the journal are another form of these writings. But in more raw and unvarnished passages – an outpouring of the mental garbage I am still working through on a daily basis. She’s got her own health issues to deal with. She doesn’t need to pile my crap on top of that.

There is pain in this world. We all deal with it at some level at times our respective lives. There are those of us that have been blessed with loving families that have provided support and encouragement throughout their lives. And there are also those that haven’t.

I’m running my emotional reserves dry. My energy is nearly gone. I can’t conceive of how I can go on. I can’t perceive of how I can replenish my spirit to continue. And now, I (white male, over 40) am to blame for all of the problems that our society is facing. Even though I want to help, being told to change and any help I do offer is not good enough because I couldn’t begin to understand the plight of who I am supposed to help…where am I to go from there? You think being punished for the sins of those who lived before me isn’t without its own pains?

As a guy, my knee-jerk response to any issue like that is to fix it. Done. Being married to my wonderful wife has taught me one thing in that regard. Sometimes, you don’t “fix”. You LISTEN. And be there for each other. And work to understand the others viewpoint, and empathize with their pain.

And just be there.

It’s hard to say this, but I have to. I always find myself saying that I want to die – continually, repeatedly. Over and over and over…without even thinking.

With the sickening sight of a Minneapolis cop kneeling on the neck of George Floyd for almost nine minutes. He knowingly crushed his windpipe until he was another lifeless causality of the racial divide that still exists in this country. He and his cop buddies have been fired and the kneeler has been charged with murder 2/manslaughter. IMHO, ALL of them should be charged and do hard time…ALL OF THEM. It was more than I could handle. I cried.

Now we have peaceful demonstrations being infiltrated by Trump’s white supremacist followers who have been inciting riots, violence and arson under the guise of being a part of the Black Lives Matter movement. Sick sons of bitches. Those are who you want to come down on…hard.

This country is going down the toilet fast. All thanks to Trump and his Republican bitches. We’ve had three days (so far) of nation-wide demonstrations, riots and looting…the latter two items courtesy of Trumps white-supremacist toadies. All the while, he was hiding in the White House PEOC with all of the building’s lights out. He’s a chicken-shit piece of garbage that needs to have him and his inbred family put out of our misery. Some time in Federal ass-pounding prison for the whole Republican lot of ’em.

I hope I live to see that. It gets harder and harder for me to get up in the morning and take on another day of this bullshit. I am unable to think straight to determine what my next step should be. I feel like a zombie. A tortured spirit caught between two planes, between the darkness and the light. I have no idea why I am here or what I am supposed to fucking do.

My own body seems to reject me at times, little by little. Telling me in some fashion “Nope. Sorry. Not any more. You’re done.” I know what I look like – human eyesore. An old guy taking up space in the world.

My mood is like a pile driver – slow draw up in the air, really high….then I come crashing down on the head of the pile I am driving further and further into the ground. It’s at that moment, I have no desire or energy to do anything…nothing…and the emptiness envelopes me. The darkness closes in around my heart…and feel like everything I am doing is a futile effort.

I’m exhausted.

Nobody helps me.

Nobody gives a damn.

I am alone.

I am empty.

What now?

Is life supposed to feel this way?

Not that I’m necessarily looking for any response from humanity – I know that nobody reads these posts. We are all alone in this world. Totally, truly and completely alone. I don’t know why I keep writing this stuff. To get this crap out of my brain before I go completely insane? Or, is it because I want to leave something of myself behind after I’m gone?

Who knows?

Who cares?

What will it matter?

I can feel my soul dying a little each day. I descend a little further into the abyss with each tick of the clock. By writing this, I can scream into the darkness of the pain I feel each minute of each hour of each day. The pain of the suffering of humanity that passes in front of my eyes every second. The death of who we are as a race of beings on this planet is so profoundly sad to me, I can’t even begin to comprehend living any longer. It is something that I would not wish on anyone.

But it doesn’t matter.

Nobody is listening.

Nobody cares.

This world is not ready for what’s coming. All of humanity is watching. Everyone thinks we’re going back to the way it was, pre-pandemic. Nothing could be further from the truth. People won’t be able to cope with it. The less intelligent will look for someone to blame – and that’s already started. Evil is everywhere in this realm. True courage is facing it and calling it out. The evil that dwells among us thrives on fear. And I am too damn tired to be afraid.

What will it take?

The evil that permeates the “People’s House” will have to be purged. It will not go quietly or willingly. It will not accept reality. It will not recognize those that they call enemies, even if they are overwhelming in numbers. The evil’s perception is it’s reality. Nothing else will matter more than it’s own bloated ego. The only way do deal with evil of that depth is to bring it out of it’s lair feet first.

Humanity has to win. The evil is not us. It never will be.

We are humanity.

We are being exterminated.

Some of us have been fighting many battles. And no war comes without great cost to both sides.

Then why do we do it?

Why?

There is no nobility in a battle. Just death.

I’m getting tired of constantly asking these questions. It saps my strength and sucks the life out of my soul.

And I don’t feel like I have much of that left at the moment.

I am filled with a deep and profound sadness that is tearing my heart out. The evil that has beset our country has its knee on our neck.

Why?

Friday.

End of the work week. The last dash to the finish line for a much-needed and well-deserved 3-day weekend. Working from home during this pandemic, I am finding it hard to divide work time from relaxing weekend time.

I don’t know what it is. This is a whole new world for everyone. It has shined the harsh light of reality on many more aspects of our lives than we’d like.

=> At a time where we need to be together, we can’t. At a time we need a leader, we don’t have one.

=> At a time when we need the operative word to be “UNITED” in the name of our country, it isn’t.

=> At a time where we need intelligent thought from our fellow citizens, we get blatant, ignorant stupidity.

=> At a time when we sorely need humanity, the demonstration of that trait is the exception, rather than the rule.

I am feeling in that dark place again. It’s taking all I have not to jump out of my skin and scream at the top of my lungs in anger and frustration. My mind won’t stop with the incessant chatter of my heart arguing with the demons from the darkness. I find myself losing the ability to give a fuck about anything. My body seems to fight me with its constant pain and stiffness. What did I do to deserve this? How am I supposed to cope with all of this?

Nothing will ever be the same again. A lot of people can’t deal with that. Especially the fat, lazy and stupid Republican conservatives. Let me say it again –

NOTHING. WILL. EVER. BE. THE. SAME. AGAIN.

The planet is fighting back. This is an extinction event. A thinning of the heard. A purging of souls that didn’t have to happen to this degree. We have the knowledge to address this issue. But, thanks to the conservative idiots and robber-barons, we weren’t allowed to intelligently use it. Instead, we created another lethal plague on the land – fat, lazy and ignorant stooges following a racist, narcissist demagogue. Nothing more dangerous than groups of idiots in large numbers.

Is that what’s sucking the life out of me? Dealing with these morons? To be honest, I find myself hoping that these bazooka-toting half-wits who (in the name of constitutional freedom) want to stop wearing masks and get back to their bowling alleys, hair salons and health clubs now will all catch the virus and we’ll not have to deal with their like again. And if any of them who are so butt-hurt about wearing a face mask into the grocery store and cause anyone else’s beloved family member to pass away from catching it be charged with murder.

I have to let go. Nelson Mandela said that carrying anger in your heart is like drinking poison and expecting your enemy to die.

It’s not an easy task, believe me.