viewfromthecurb

I have to really focus to remember what day it is.

I’ve been working from home since March 22nd. Everyone has taken up this “challenge” of isolation to reduce the number of potential contacts during this pandemic. While it is beginning to work, there are some that seem to be having a much more difficult time in dealing with reality.

The world has changed again, like it did on 9/11. Whether it is an effect of this confinement, or the lack of actual human contact…or even my own internal demons, I mourn the direction our world has taken. How we live our lives from here on will always be tainted by COVID 19.

It takes its toll on all of us. Nothing will be the same. We have no control over our ultimate destiny in this reality. Those of us who acknowledge this have vision to see the path required. People who lack that vision and intelligence prefer to stand outside and shout at the storm, thinking they can change it’s onslaught. The combination of dealing with such ignorance and stupidity combined with dealing with what is required of each of us is such a tremendous burden to bear that it is burning out energy. I am one of those people who is questioning whether I’ll make it to the other side of this “evolution.”

I know…it’s my choice as to how I let these idiots affect me. I guess I find it sad and pathetic that anyone places so little value on education and science, and would rather fight for some perceived “threat” to their “rights” and take up arms in a struggle that was concocted to divert their attention from the blatant robbery and pillaging of our economy by the wealthy Republican elite. There is nothing more dangerous than the blind and ignorant allegiance of the less-educated being used by their uber-conservative handlers to execute their own greedy agenda.

Except for, maybe, COVID 19.

I am tired of the battles. I am tired of the confrontation with ignorant assholes who don’t have the sense to know when they are being robbed blind. I am tired of the us vs them thinking in this damn country. “I am right and you are wrong” is not the required outcome of every goddamned conversation. I am tired of putting up with this shit, while I am trying to exist on this planet in the best way possible, being happy and enjoying the gifts we’ve all been given.

I am tired of living.

What ever happened to “life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness?” The Founding Fathers that put that specific statement in the Declaration of Independence couldn’t have even begin to perceive how much that provision could have been mutated by the current environment in this country. Why on earth would any of those goals have to come at the expense of another human being? It is not only a declaration of our country’s independence, it’s a declaring our individual independence.

I find myself in a dark place again. The last few embers of my humanity lies in the dying flames before me. The choice I have in the pursuit of “life” is to protect my wife and I during this pandemic. If the others, who are so butt-hurt about sheltering in place, wearing PPE, social distancing, etc. want to toss all of that aside so they can go to the beauty salon, bowl and drink beer on the beach, we are going to lose a lot more people. I find myself hoping that a lot of them are the ignorant racist morons who perpetuate that mind-set. And that absolutely tears at what’s left of my soul.

I am so tired.

Make it stop.

As I write this, we are under a “stay at home” order by the Governor. As I site here, trapped, my stress is taking it’s toll on my spirit. I am finding I need to unload some anger, so if you will bear with me…here goes…

Trump has no fucking idea what he is doing. His ignorance and stupidity is killing a lot of good Americans.

COVID 19 is our current plague (followed closely by the Republican party.) The young people starting to live their lives now will forever be affected by this pandemic.

We’ll now have a whole crop of words and phrases in our lexicon:

isolation

pandemic

social distancing

quarantine

Now, we have large groups of morons protesting to re-open the country NOW, that this virus is a scam, and it’s their choice to go back to work with the risk of death. I can only hope that this group of idiots purges it self from society, giving us less of these dimwit Republicans to deal with.

I’m fighting this anger every day. I am struggling with how to deal with it. Society has blinded me to the appreciation of the miracle of life. What we’d built up has been torn down by petty, frightened men. Men blinded by pure greed and a thirst for power over their fellow man. They have ZERO self-awareness of how they look to a rational and intelligent human being. NO compassion. NO humanity. NO heart. NO SOUL.

I keep hearing that “We’re In This Together” everywhere. From individuals and from corporations. I’d like to think our neighbors will help out just as I would help them. But corporations are trying to wiggle their way into our lives with this catch phrase. and make us believe that they are “people.”

They. Are. Not. People.

Humanity has to win.

I just hope that I’m there to see it.

Are you as tired as I am?

Who am I kidding? Nobody is reading this. Not one real person is taking the time to read my diatribes. I know that. But I still feel the need to write, to get this out of my brain – out of my system – to hopefully slow the process of these feelings completely consuming my soul.

I can’t think that I’m the only on that feels this way. A hollow shell of a human being who’s lost touch with what it means to feel peace, contentment, happiness, love…just about everything we are to be as a meaningful participant of this life we are given. And I’ve had my fill of it.

I struggle with keeping my mind active and alert during the day. I deal with an every-expanding darkness that inhabits my being. It’s impossible to focus and think when I feel like that. I fade in and out, my thoughts wander and I drift mentally. I feel useless and worthless to those around me. And that makes me angry.

My anger is another part of this equation that I abhor. It permeates my attitude and my personality to the point that I have trouble controlling it, let alone stopping it. I’ve NEVER come to physical violence to anyone else (than God) but I do think about it – doing violence to those who are perverting our country. I think you know who I’m talking about (as well as all of his sycophantic followers.) I am angry that there is so little intelligent life in this country.

I’m not sure what’s going on in my life. It’s like water rushing past me in a fast-moving river, sweeping me closer and closer to a high waterfall. The fall will surely kill me – if I don’t drown first.

See?

I talk about death and wanting to “end it all” a lot. It’s more of a reflex for me now. I know that’s not “healthy” for me. But who gives a rip? Nobody is reading this. I’m just shouting into the darkness. I am alone.

What am I supposed to do? I can’t trust anyone. Nobody wants to help, or even listen. Not that I can blame them – I feel as though I’m pretty damn depressing.

If I make changes, what little grasp on reality will I lose?

I feel less and less hopeful that I will find a pain and discomfort free life before it comes to it’s ultimate conclusion.

And, when all is said and done, I will have made no impact, had no effect, left no legacy on the world. It will be as if I had never existed.

And I find that profoundly sad.

I know nobody reads these posts. I just write to get these feelings out of my head, in hopes of gaining some modicum of mental peace. I’m tired of dealing with the world, its current state and it’s cast of whack-jobs that inhabit it. And that includes me.

So, here I am, yelling at the wind…again. Wondering why I am here, what my purpose is and getting impatient for some sort of epiphany to answer all my questions.

Yeah, like THAT’S going to happen.

At times, this cacophony in my head puts me in a dark place. This time is no different…well, a little different, I guess.

I’m a bit more angry. And that scares me. I feel as though I am losing my footing while wading across a fast running river. I can’t remember a time when I’ve not been in some sort of discomfort or pain (mostly physical.)

Yeah…I’m complaining. So what? Nobody is reading this – I am sending this into the void, and way from me. I’m tired of dealing with all of the sanctimonious shits and the entitled and snotty Millennials. They all need to go away. This Boomer is still kicking.

I have to hold on until Thursday, until my “appointment.” Maybe it will help me, and (then again) maybe it won’t. Who knows?

I’m all alone.

I weep for what the world has become –

I weep for the multitudes in suffrage –

I weep for the children torn from their loving families by the godless edict of a dictator or by a bullet from one of their cult followers –

I weep for the loss of humanity in how we treat each other –

I weep for the loss of human contact in our society –

I weep for those we’ve lost – and those we will lose on the way…

I long for the days when civility counted for what we were as a country; when it mattered what the people said in the choices of our future as custodians of this planet; when we all had a focus and worked together to attain that goal; and when the content of your character mattered…

I weep at what I’ve become in recent years, letting anger and frustration overwhelm my thoughts and eating at the remaining remnants of my heart. At times, I know the true meaning of what it feels like to be lost in the darkness.

I’m not a particularly religious man, but I sincerely pray that you hold your families close and tell them you love them as often as you can each and every day. Let them hear your voice every day.

As we roll into a new year, let us think of those we lost along the way – and those that weren’t able to complete the journey with us. It was in their eyes that we witnessed the best of intentions for humanity to survive and flourish, despite the intentions of some among us.

Be well.

What happened to me?

This bucolic image of what a Christmas holiday is has never seemed to connect with me. Sure, from my earliest formative years, my parents tried to set in us an appreciation for the old standards – Santa, presents Christmas morning, stockings full of gifts and treats, family time together, Christmas meal…but there was never, really any connection on a personal level. It’s felt as if they’d never really bought in to is and were just going through the motions. Now, all these years later, what we do try to hold on to seems forced. And I find that profoundly sad.

I really don’t know what to believe in. I travel continually between the light and the darkness with more frequency. The world is pulling itself apart at the seams. People are separating themselves from others. Isolationism is becoming a preferred choice of some. But, detaching from society is a dangerous precedent to set – to put others out of your life only can accomplish an “out-of-sight/out-of-mind” existence that will come back to haunt you. Believe me, I know what I am talking about.

I feel as though I’ve lost friends over the past few years for any one (or combination of) the following reasons –

• My personality;
• My unvarnished liberal political views;
• My expression of those views in social media;
• The stigma of my career path (since the 2008 economic collapse):
• My social status (or lack of it);
• My swearing;
• My educational background;
• My opinions;
• My depression;
• …and so on.

And, by lost I don’t mean they’ve told me to get lost. I feel as though I’ve lost them because they’ve drifted out of my life with less frequent contact or communication. There is nothing that draws us together any more. I’m as guilty as they are – I accept that. But, deep down, I blame the social media/digital age for the widening of that “humanity chasm.” It has made us much more lazy and much less focused on interpersonal engagement.

I feel like I am turning more and more into a grumpy old guy, who yells at the neighborhood kids to “get off my lawn.” Who retreats into his shell rather than confront and interact with a rapidly changing society. One whose heart breaks remembering the “old days” of the ’80’s and ’90’s, when people actually had conversations face-to-face and interacted with each other. Who, one day, will depart the world alone and become a footnote in someones email feed.

If you do have family close, you are truly blessed. Keep them close, especially this time of year. Keep those traditions alive to the best of your abilities.

And, during the rest of the year, know that the people who’s life you’ve touched with yours are thinking of you – and missing you.

Peace.

It’s an interesting time in my life…and in the world…

What ‘s going on around me, I couldn’t begin to describe my perceptions to you. Not that it would do any good, because I seem to be addressing an empty room. I guess I am talking to myself on the fucking internet…

If that isn’t the most pathetic thing you’ve seen since Donnie and his ship of fools…it makes me angry at myself (remember, it’s “all about me“…) for losing my somewhat tenuous grip on my own emotions.

I could sit at this keyboard for 1 year, typing constantly, and still only scratch the surface of what I am going though. I don’t know how much time I have left on this planet, so I can’t see myself wasting any more time with this method of “communication” – I don’t even know what I expected from it. Perhaps the “suggestion” of a “social” component in social media was too high of a bar to set. Or the wrong expectation all together.

Social media is the biggest lie foisted on the world today.

Think of the last time you saw a group of people talking face to face, really engaged in the lost art of conversation. Children are getting “smart” phones as early as 4 years old. Many are growing up lacking the brain chemistry to carry on a real human conversation. This isn’t social as in connecting, it’s more for creating your own little mental world where you rule and everything revolves around you and you are always right and can get any information you need at any time you want or watch anything you want at any time you want and if someone doesn’t measure up to your standards they are swiped out of your existence…

Notice anything there?

Let me point it out for you…

This isn’t social as in connecting, it’s more for creating your own little mental world where you rule and everything revolves around you and you are always right and can get any information you need at any time you want or watch anything you want at any time you want and if someone doesn’t measure up to your standards they are swiped out of your existence…

Wow. Talk about an ego trip.

But, hey…it’s only me here…right…?

I’m really struggling with it.

I find myself here again – a place both breathtaking and all-too-familiar. I’m finding it harder to function on a daily basis.

I am at a loss as to what to do. On the one hand, I can tell myself that this will pass, as it has before. That makes it the same old drill.

But I am sick and tired of the same old drill. I am scared. I worried about my ability to go on in this world. I am afraid that I won’t know what to do. I am not at 100% and that compounds things.

This time, the feelings are much stronger – more “fight-or-flight” instincts are kicking in. That’s very hard to balance.

It seems to be that I never have enough time for me.

I’m so tired of this. I want it to end…now.

Now it’s Thursday afternoon – Halloween. I’m still exhausted. That’s all I seem to do – is complain…(just an observation)…I don’t know what to do. It’s like my brain has come off of it’s mounting bolts.

I’m not sure if I matter in the world any more. I certainly don’t feel relevant. Nobody gives a shit if I’m here or not. Nobody gives a shit if I’m here or not. The world has used me up – consumed me. Is that it?

I don’t feel like I have any more to give. Thus, I am redundant and a waste of space. Is that true?

God help me.

What do I have to do? All I want is some peace. Maybe some humanity, some decency…

I don’t feel like I am improving. That’s a laugh…”improving”… I feel like I want to explode.

Is there something I am missing?

I feel dead inside – empty; is that all there is? Panic is setting in to the recesses of my mind…time for more alcohol…

A cleansing of my soul?

How many times do I want to climb back on this endless hamster wheel of my life? What do I hope to accomplish? Doing the same god-damned thing, time-after-time and expecting something different. I need something…new…?

But nobody gives a shit anymore, if they ever did in the first place.

I must be an awful person.

Is it me?

Or is it the pain?

I’m still the constant in that equation.

It’s still me.

Please forgive me.

I’m just a guy lost in the dark.

I am at a loss to feel anything for anyone right now.

It has been pretty much stomped out of me. Compassion, empathy, caring…you name it. I see nothing but the darkness that envelops your soul and has laid claim to my heart.

It’s not a new feeling for me – I’ve been here before.

It takes a little more life out of me each time – especially when its the constant, incessant and on-going dialog going on in my head.

I’m broken.

Much the same as last night, it looks as if I’ll be drinking again tonight. I’m so tired of it all – life, pain, the deterioration of the world we inhabit, the repeated demonstrations of the lack of intelligence in the world…I feel as if there is nothing left to do.

Nothing to say…

Nowhere to go…

Nothing to look forward to…

Is THIS all there is?

Why am I here?

I’m old and I’m angry.

There is so much I NEED to do…I feel that I’m BEHIND on everything…I feel like I am failing at life in general…but I am so physically exhausted that I can barely move. I am not excited about life and what it holds in store for me.