viewfromthecurb

I am finding more and more this week that people disappoint me.

I think we all can agree that the political climate in this country has produced a bottomless pit of disappointment for all of us. So much damage has been done to our country, I am doubtful that we’ll be able to recover. And to consider it any further would only make me angrier, drive my blood pressure up and drive me down deeper into the darkness.

On a day-to-day basis, I am encountering more people that blatantly demonstrate a complete and total lack of functioning neurons or human empathy.

This morning, on the commute in to the city, I was cut-off four times, tailgated twice, flipped-off once and nearly crushed by a dump truck and trailer.  Did it affect me? Did I get stressed out? Did my blood pressure go up?

No.

What is happening to me?

Not that I want to feel stressed out, but I feel…….nothing.

Am I THAT emotionally dead inside?

Should I be worried?

I don’t seem to care.

A rainy morning.

Fits my mood.

I’m tired of the know-it-all millenial, participation-trophy generation. They think they’ve got it all scoped out and know everything better than anyone else. They’ve stopped learning – “dead brains” for lack of a better term.

I miss the days of collaboration, respect, inquisitive minds, logical thinking, reason, humanity, teamwork, friendship, face-to-face conversations, laughter, acceptance, intelligence, support, community, energy, fresh air, humanity, freedom, vision…

I am constantly looking for what my role is to be in all of this.

It’s Monday afternoon and I’m having trouble focusing (what else is new?) It’s another Monday where I am feeling thoroughly exhausted. At least, mentally.

I’m fortunate to have what I have, and I am eternally thankful. But I am so tired…I seem to be falling into the darkness again. My attitude declines and my happiness wanes – almost to the point of physical collapse.

But what difference does THAT make?

Nobody gives a shit, do they?

The world goes on.

We are asked and compelled to help others – that’s all well and good, but who helps us?

We are on our own.

I’m at a point where I don’t know if I matter any more.

Humanity – real humanity – is gasping its last breath. And “society” sits idly by, quietly watching – doing NOTHING.

We all spend our lives getting insulted, abused, disrespected, marginalized, classified, judged, profiled and manipulated in ways we don’t even realize. I guess it depends how ignorant we are – or so used to it that it’s our norm.

I sound pretty pessimistic, don’t I? I won’t argue with you – I do.

We’re brought into this life without instructions. There is no manual to life. No “How-To” to guide us on a day-to-day basis.

Schools? Please. The only thing that parochial schools to is fill our minds with what someone else thinks is important for us to remember. And that’s what they do to us in schools – they teach our brains to remember, not to THINK.

Some people are afraid to think – correction, exercise independent thought. And, thanks to the digital age, as long as they can remember how to log into a website or call up an app on their “smart” phones, they can find a never-ending supply of opinions they can adopt as their own. And, the evil among us taps into that hidden vein of blind followers to exploit in the degrading and destruction of our civilization.

Don’t get me wrong – these weaklings have been there all along. These are the same gullible people that (20 years ago) would read an article that said drinking orange juice would make your ears fall off and immediately swear off the Minute Maid (because they “read it somewhere, so it must be true.”) How lame.

Ironic as it is (my saying this through the internet,) having a real human being around is now a redundancy that has crept into the real world. If you don’t have an email address, a smart phone or a social media presence, you are seen as less of a human being. Even if you are accepted into the realm, the preferred method is to communicate with you through email DM’s or text messages. Many young people today lack the brain chemistry to engage in a face-to-face conversation  with another living human.

And with that, you are just as quickly dismissed from society when you challenge their narrow world. Emails and texts ignored, communications blocked, trolling…you name it. Cross that invisible line, and you are out. And you probably will never even know it. One day you will realize that the new friend you thought you had was a “bot.”

I don’t want to be a part of a world that trivializes life in such a manner. I have to believe I’m not alone in that feeling. But so far, I’ve been yelling into the darkness and I’ve gotten  no response. And I am running out of breath.

So why continue writing this stuff?

Will it make a difference if I am here or not?

Nope.

Fin.

Asking for a friend.

Do you hear it?

Sirens. Car horns, Dog barking. A distant train whistle. Kids laughing. An airplane overhead. Talking, Music.

Life.

Do you even think about the noise any more?

Most of us are numbed to it. Self-conditioned to ignore the din and move through it.

Now, consider a time when you were in some place or environment that all but completely eliminated that noise. For me, it was while on a hike at Mt. Rainier National Park.

Did you stop and take in the silence? I let the cool wave of serenity wash over me, making me feel embraced by the regenerative powers of the mountain. At that moment, I was reminded that I also had to listen to not hear something. To put it more simply – silence has power.

Lately, I find myself seeking that feeling of peace more and more. And it’s becoming more difficult to find, thanks (in no small part to the new “noise” that has rocketed into the picture –

Social media.

• I’m right and you’re wrong.
• My opinion counts and yours doesn’t
• I win and you lose.

It has crept into our lives on a whole other level that we’ve paid little attention to. While it does keep us informed, it also has significantly altered our interactions with each other. We have seen diminishing interpersonal skills and isolationism grow at an alarming rate.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it has revealed to me a new demon to battle in my own world – my own self-critic.

The saturation in immediate information, opinions, news, etc. has provided ammunition to those parts of my soul that are already in pain – creating a new level of self-talk that does nothing but interrupt my peaceful existence. The impacts are killing me.

• I’m constantly questioning my own efforts and intelligence;
• I’m quicker to judgmental outbursts;
• I’m operating on a much higher level of stress than I want;
• The constant “chatter” in my head makes it nearly impossible to focus on what I’m doing;
• I’m more “angry” than I am used to; and
• I’m in physical pain more often than not.

I want to stop.

I’m trying to stop.

I need all the help I can get.

I just want peace and quiet.

As this week goes on, that question gets more and more difficult to respond to.  Right now I am, literally, asleep  on my feet. It seems like I am always waiting for the stimulants to kick in.

These days, it takes more and more to shake off the dust and debris daily life. Eventually, it seeps into your core, clouding your judgement, inhibiting your ability to see clearly and find the positive in the things that happen around us.

Yesterday, on both the morning and evening commutes, I made a point not to have the radio on. No music, no news, no anything. I have to admit – it was easier than I thought it would be. Without the racket of media blasting in my ears, I was able to reasonably relax on the drive (even with traffic.) I drove in again this morning without the self-inflicted din filling my ears with static. I think it’s not unreasonable to want a peaceful existence in this world. To relax and enjoy the wonders of our world and coexist with all things.

I am still looking.

What do you think?

How do you cope?

I’m really trying to hold it together.

If you let it, this world will take and take and take from you until you have nothing left.

Life will do that to you as well.

Have you ever asked yourself “Is this all there is?”

It’s said that you have to take care of yourself before you take care of others. I do believe that.

I’m really struggling right now. I’m wondering how deep this darkness is. To be honest, I’m losing the will to keep holding on to the edge. My exhaustion is so complete and all-consuming – I can’t see how I would recover my strength (or, even if I could.)

My mental chatter is reaching painful levels – painful, in that it’s getting to be more of an effort to keep it bottled up inside myself. It’s embarrassing to not be cognizant of what I am saying and the way it impacts who I am saying it to. I am so ashamed of myself when it happens – I just want to crawl in a hole.

I feel like I am losing ground in my quest for sanity and peace. And when I do things for others (wife, family, friends, coworkers, country etc.) and get nothing in return, it drains my spirit even faster. Even a little help once in a while would be greatly appreciated. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so stupid for being taken advantage of.

I’m sick and tired of being taken for granted. I have to draw the line somewhere to preserve my own spirit. I’m tired of feeling this way all the time. It’s a feeling that you don’t want to let take root in your heart:

I don’t care.

That is our go-to response when we are too tired to think.

I am guilty of using it, too.

Too much, sometimes.

Knee-jerk responses are all too easy to dish out.

That gets on my nerves – particularly when I do it to excess.

To me, it means the chatter in my mind is looking for a way to come flying out of my mouth. When that happens, I see the cruel and evil thing that comes from that dark place. And it frightens me.

It frightens me to even consider how (or why) that dark side of my persona exists. It runs so counter to everything I believe in and who I am.

Or, at least, who I thought I was.

It causes me such pain and sadness. I expend so much energy keeping it under control, to keep it from consuming my soul. My own mind is consuming my spirit. And daily I contemplate what it would be like to be at peace with all things.

And what lengths I would go through to attain that goal.

I don’t know…

What do you say when you want to scream for help?

Where does humanity live in today’s world?

What am I supposed to do with all of the “chatter” in my mind?

How alone am I in this world?

I don’t remember what peace feels like.

Calm is a rare commodity these days.

Where do I belong?

How does it feel to be at peace?

Does anyone really know what it’s like to deal with depression?

I acknowledge my imperfections – I am only human.

I’m tired of not counting for anything.

Exhausted.