I’m sad
My heart is heavy and dark
I weep for humanity’s suffering
I’m finding it hard to see reasons to keep going
What can be done?
It’s so dark and cold
I want to scream…
…but there is no sound…
Life is what happens when you are making other plans? I don’t know if I buy that right now…
I feel lost without hope alone empty
I’m losing my will to continue
Does anyone care?
That’s a stupid goddamned question…
Everyone is in it for themselves………….. even me
It comes again
I am enveloped in a dense cloud, heavy with the tears of the suffering
This is not right
How have I so sinned as to bring this upon myself?
I feel what’s left of my soul being devoured by the night
All that is left is the hollow husk of what I was
My spirit is low – battered and abused by the world around me
My heart is sad for all that we have lost, this country has lost and for what this world has lost
The nightfall is cold and dark
Just because you go in…doesn’t always guarantee you will come out under your own power –
– or at all
The problem with my mind is that I can have some really deep, meaningful, paradigm-shifting insights over the course of the day that I have this incredibly strong urge to immediately capture so it doesn’t disappear into the ether. But, as typical, they would happen at the least opportune times where I have any hope of preserving it for later contemplation. Times like –
You get what I’m saying?
And, being as I like to write, the split-second that this epiphany is over, I find myself questioning my patience, energy and intelligence to properly capture (in coherent English) these thoughts.
And when I think of carrying a digital recorder (lame) or taking a video of myself with my phone, I immediately get self-conscious enough to put off the task for a more private time, but by then, I feel I’ve lost the edge (i.e. 80% of the excitement.)
Has this ever happened to you?
Is this “normal?”
(I’m exhausted…and it’s only 8 a.m.)
I’m open to any thoughts or ideas as to how to address this quandary. Suffice it to say, I question my role in this world on a daily basis. If even one of these “notions” is helpful to the world at large, it may help to substantiate my presence on this rock tumbling through space.
Even if only for a moment…
This is getting bad.
I’ve been tired before – drifting-off tired.
– chin-on-the-chest tired…
– can’t-stop-yawning tired…
– unable-to-focus tired…
– ??? tired…
It’s getting more and more obvious to me that I have to do…something. Specifically. TAKE A VACATION.
It’s even hard for me to type this because my mind wanders over to sleep mode all too easily. And it’s connection with my fingers gets lost sometimes.
The double-shot in my venti drip is starting to kick in. Now, all I have to do is keep the caffeine levels up during the course of the day.
I just want to apologize to anyone reading this. It is obvious that I complain a lot in this blog. And this is not the only place where I write like this. I also have a journal that I write in and I complain there, as well.
I have been dealing with depression most of my life. For many years, I’ve kept this shit bottled up inside me., like a good boy. And – maybe it was my youthful energy – I was able to do it. What I discovered later in life was that it had a cost. My physical health began to suffer from this self-imposed stress thanks to societal norms (real men don’t show emotion and all…) The mental and physical pain it causes is of a level that can’t be described with words. Anyone would cry out in pain.
Not wanting to burden anyone else with this, I turned to writing several years ago. First in the journals, then this blog. It was a way to get this crap out of my head by dumping it into this writing. Sometimes, it would feel like I am talking with someone who understood what I am going through, even when I knew that no real person would listen or care, let alone understand.
If you skip over reading my blog, I understand. It was never meant to elicit a response from anyone. It’s just me screaming into the darkness to unburden my heart.
Maybe someday soon, I will wake up…
How do I begin?
Where do I begin?
Another sleep-deprived Monday. I’m drinking my venti (with two add shots) and trying to stimulate any synapses in my brain to do anything remotely resembling a coherent thought. It stops and starts sporadically is about all I’ve accomplished so far.
The week is supposed to start anew. So far, it’s not exactly bursting out of the gates.
Not that I think anyone really reads this but, am I alone in thinking this world we’ve created for ourselves is extremely demanding mentally? It takes – demands – more and more energy to keep up with even the most basic of the day-to-day tasks.
I’m getting tired of dealing with people in general. That’s probably due in large part to the fact that I can’t remember the last time I had a vacation.
I don’t know why I am on this planet.
There is no more humanity in the world.
It’s a dark place.
So starts another week.
Am I ready for this week?
No.
Why?
I wish I could put my finger on the reason for it – if there was any reason other than pure exhaustion. Mentally, I’m in a walking coma.
Every once in a while, I feel a little “flutter” in my pulse – not sure what that is. It seems very minor, but it has caught my notice.
My heart feels cold and empty.
The commonality of my existence is robbing me of my creative thinking. That makes me sad. And scared.
As much as I try to shake it off, I’m never really sure that I am completely out of the woods.
I just soldier on.
This morning, as I sit here at my desk, I find myself acutely aware of my breathing and pulse rate.
I’m not sure why.
I question a lot of things these days, not the least of which is my sense of belonging. This is a bit disconcerting – especially since I turned another year older a month and a half ago.
What is wrong with me?
How did I get here?
How do I escape this thought-scape?
I feel so alone.
I don’t know where to go.
More often then not, I inhale and exhale deeply – what most people characterize as a sigh. And nearly everyone thinks something is wrong.
(I need the oxygen, people.)
I’m not perfect. Far from it.
But the way this world today is going, I truly fear for our future…my country’s future.
But I am also completely exhausted. I feel as though I have nothing left to give – to anyone, to anything.
And that makes me feel like a burden.
I can’t think.
I’m not sure how I am supposed to react to the constant barrage of emotions that I am subjected to. I resist that drama as much as I am able to. It just sucks the life out of my soul when I have to deal with it. I am sitting here, writing this, with no spark of life. I feel like a zombie.
I overslept my alarms this morning – the second time in the past month or so. I made it in to the office safely, but I am drained. I have precious little energy to draw from. My mind looks at the myriad of things I need to do, and becomes…blank. Then my blood pressure goes up.
Sometimes, I feel like humanity is gone. Killed off by the complacency of the younger generations, raised by the helicopter parent and participation trophy generation, looking for a quick fix to societal ills that was convenient to their myopic lifestyle. More often than not, it makes me feel like I want to leave this world behind and depart into the cosmos.
But I am wrong to place that blame at the feet of the Millennials and Gen-X’ers. We are all to blame, all of us 100% responsible for where we are in life, and for what happens to us.
The problem is that we don’t listen. Never have, and (as I am now beginning to believe) never will. To keep on this present path, we’ll continue to burn through generation after generation, with no progress towards collective enlightenment and understanding of the human condition.
I always hear that “we have to keep up the fight” and “hang in there” and so on. Some of us have given so much, as much as we are possibly able, and are unable to give any more. The places and manners in which we find recharge have been taken away or emptied of resources. It’s pretty sobering to know that an outcome that none of us wants may just be over the horizon.
Right now, I’m focused on just making it to the end of the day.
The mind is a tenuous instrument.
At least, that’s the way it feels for me.
There are times when I am feeling fine one minute, and something happens that acts like a hand-grenade in my head to blow me off course and in another direction. Most times, I land in a dark place, with my heart ripped out of my chest, desperately trying to hang on to what little composure I have left.
I’m angry. At…something.
I just don’t know what…exactly.
Where do I fucking fit in? What is my fucking purpose in this stupid world? Am I even fucking necessary? Am I of value? WHY AM I HERE?
The darkness eats away at my spirit. Life seems less and less…joyful, and I feel the pain increasing exponentially. It adds a new depth to the physical pain I am experiencing.
WHY AM I HERE?
What can I do to make the pain stop?
I’m so tired.
On behalf of my gender, I want to offer my sincerest apologies for the difficulty you’ve been having finding someone to have a meaningful relationship with. It pains me to know that someone of your intelligence, quality and grace is feeling alone and frustrated with the situation.
Painful as it is, your feelings are valuable and worthy of consideration. To me, it shows that, even in this world where we are supposed to be so “connected,” you are reinforcing the importance of the true human connection in your life. You are declaring that your belief in the value of that relationship, and (as if we men need to be reminded) you have so much to share in a relationship of mutual enrichment.
You are not deserving of special treatment because of your accomplishments. But you are entitled to a quality relationship of mutual respect, consideration and value. A relationship with someone who will love and support you unconditionally, be there for you when times are tough, and hold you to the higher standard that you expect of yourself.
Contrary to your past experience, there are men like us out here. We exist, though I’m beginning to feel that we are possibly part of a dying breed (I hope not.) Keep your eyes open and you’ll find us.
And if there is ever anything I can do to help, all you need to do is ask. After all, in this great game of life, it’s important to remember that we’re all in this together.
Hang in there.
viewfromthecurb 
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