viewfromthecurb

I picked up a piece of equipment from the hospital on Friday that I was to use in doing a home sleep test. This is, as I understand it, a precursor to a full-blown lab sleep test (should the data from this test indicate that there may be an issue.)

Simple enough. Strap this little box across my chest. Put on the nasal cannula and plug it in. Put on the fingertip pulse clip and plug that in. Tape everything down so its less likely to come loose during the night. Push the power button and wait for it to power up, and look for all LED’s to be green.

Now…sleep.

Yeah, right.

I probably took me an extra hour to fall asleep because of being a bit self-conscious about the equipment functioning properly. Not to mention the realization that either of our cats may jump on the bed and decide that one of the hoses or wires was a toy.

But, I finally slept.

When I awoke, the cat was sleeping at a respectful distance. I looked down at the box.

All lights were green.

I sat up.

I pushed the button again.

The green light came on indicating “TEST SUCCESSFUL.”

Cool.

But I was still tired.

Let’s see what happens.

I say this a lot.

A lot.

I am…tired.

I am…in pain.

I am…exhausted.

I am…an idiot.

I am…depressed.

I am…afraid.

“I am” has been said to be one of the more powerful statements a person can make. To preface any declaration with “I am” is to gather all of the internal energy we each have to make it so. To say “I am tired” means that you will be tired.

A lot of people would call that complaining. And I would have to agree.

So, what does that mean?

Suck it up…?

We’re less and less human any more.

How long before we are extinct?

There is so much stimuli in the world – I am not sure where to turn to find any peace. Not to mention, self-thought and valid communication.

I’m not happy with what I am right now.

• Exhausted.
• Fat.
• In pain.
• Old.
• Angry.

I am responsible for where I am in my life. 100% responsible for the choices I’ve made and the actions I’ve taken.

I am totally responsible for who I am.

My wife (and others) says that happiness is a choice.

Why is it so hard to make it?

Depression sucks. Darkness descends on my soul. The urge to sleep for a long time is strong. I need all my strength just to keep moving forward and not drop in my tracks.

What happened?

Why can’t I feel anything?

Where are my friends? Have I driven them away?

Don’t stop, don’t pause and think about it.

Sleep is waiting in the wings to capture me.

Suck it up – be a man about it.

Power through.

I need to make some.

It’s getting harder and harder to do things – like walk – and I am rapidly losing the energy to even give a damn.

My pulse rate quickens when I contemplate how much I have to do.

When I close my eyes (even for a split second) I fall asleep.

What is the matter with me?

I can’t focus when “life” is going on around me in all of it’s loud and annoying glory. And when I can’t concentrate, and my attention jumps from one stimuli to the next, it takes energy…mental energy. Something I feel in short supply of at the moment. I put on my headphones and try to tune out the din.

It helps, but I wish it was more.

How do you deal with it?

Any of it…?

Where do you go when you can’t go on? When your life energy is tapped out and you struggle to intake the next breath of air, what do you do?

Asking for a friend…

Roller coasters are only appropriate in amusement parks, right?

I know it’s analogous, but using that term to explain daily variations emotional or psychological issues really does a disservice to the amusement park industry.

When you are on a roller coaster at the state fair, and it crests a hill after a long, slow climb, you are excited, happy and laughing as you careen down the slope.

Not so in real life.

You are frightened, apprehensive and monumentally sad on that similar downhill slide. You don’t know what awaits at the bottom, or if you’ll ever see the light of day again.

Once you arrive at the bottom, you wait in the darkness. Frightened. Alone. Exhausted from the toll that  it takes on your soul.

The physical toll draws every last bit of energy from your body. The darkness tightens its grip on you. You are afraid that if you let your guard down for even a split second, the depths will crush you out of existence.

You feel so alone.

You don’t know how to…live…any more.

You are out of answers.

Alone.

What do you do?

Probably one of the better t-shirt sayings I’ve seen in a long time.

It boggles my mind that the Elephant’s Ass party thinks that the general public will believe anything they say and hold it as true. And those that do believe it are a classic illustration of the failure of our educational system. To say that people are neglecting their own capacity for intelligence in favor of whatever lies come out of the Republican’ts collective maw is the frightening truth that probably frustrates me the most, followed by the dehumanizing of other humans and blaming them for our own failures as sentient beings.

Hang in there, they say.

Be strong, they say.

Don’t give up, they say.

Keep going, they say.

That type of response has (to me) become more of a trite and mindless dismissal of each others participation in this new societal paradigm we’ve created.

Not all of us can “keep going” when we are battling on a daily basis to meet the basic needs of life – getting a job, putting food on the table, keeping food on the table and staying healthy. We do what little we can, but mostly alone. And when we keep doing what we can, and nothing becomes of the effort, you lose heart and you lose your motivation to go on. And sometimes it’s not only the needs of life or the political issue du jour…it’s everything. You lose connection to everything from sheer disheartening exhaustion.

You want to know why suicide rates are so high? Because the human grist mill this country has created is self-perpetuating. We are all isolated – each person – and told that we are less human when we don’t give 110% to “the cause.” And, if we are having problems, that we should “reach out and talk to someone.”

Well, I’m here to say that I am tired of having my efforts squandered, not being taken seriously and largely wasted. I’m tired of the daily grind to even live in this country, under THIS government, and being blatantly robbed of my hard-earned benefits by the Republicans who say the love America, but can’t stand Americans.

And when people say “social media” is supposed to be a place for meaningful dialog about issues, I shake my head at the ridiculousness of the idea. When “meaningful dialog” involves a font, it’s no longer dialog. It’s graffiti.

And when the darkness again overtakes my soul, and I must do battle on that front, my life energy is sapped. I have nothing left to give. Anyone. If I survive this battle, I tend to come back with more anger inside of me. And that’s something you don’t want to experience,

The only way we’re going survive this is wholesale, catastrophic change to society.

More on that later…

Does anyone remember that word?

Does anyone miss that word?

If I have any opinion this morning, its that more and more “brick and mortar” retailers can’t seem to get a clue about merchandising their establishments. Case in point –

I walk in to a location of a pet food supplies store that is convenient to my evening commute home. My goal was to pick up some additional food, as well as some other food/treats we had seen the previous Sunday at another location of the same store that my wife and I typically go to. We had seen the additional items there and had decided to try them. Simple enough task, right?

Wrong.

Task Number One was to pick up more cans of a food they carry, as well as a few cans of a different flavor (for variety.) They had the cans of the first flavor we needed, but any of the other flavors we wanted were nowhere to be found. I asked an employee if they carried the other flavors (like our usual location did.) It took ten minutes of hushed conversations with other (indifferent) employees, computer searches, trips to the back room and asking me “Are you sure it’s this brand?” to get a “no.” That’s ten minutes down the drain.

Task Number Two was to pick u a packet of some treats that I had purchased there before. I looked and looked – no treats. Again, I asked the same employee. Repeat Task Number One search process. Except this time, Indifferent Employee #2 said “Oh, we don’t carry that one any more.”

WTF?

This is kind of a hot button with me.

I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of retailers putting a great product on the shelves for a brief time, getting their customers hooked on it, then pulling it with no notice, substituting it for something of higher profit margins and lower quality. One local organic grocer even pulls numerous products from the shelves because someone has a philosophical bug up their ass about it. So people that depend on that product (because it’s one of the few things that is safe for them to eat) get screwed.

What ever spastic form of product merchandising totally neglects the loyalty of their customers. IMHO, every time they do this, they lose massive amounts of credibility with me.

Am I the only one who feels this way? At times like this, when you hope that you can count on something, it’s taken away. I would think that given the tenuous situation of “brick and mortar” stores, they would pay more attention to the customer experience.

I guess that degree intelligence hasn’t occurred at those businesses.

Thoughts?

I’m still here…if anyone cares.

Hellacious busy week at work – plus other things have taken a lot of my time.

That’s funny…MY time…when has it EVER been MY time…seriously…

It’s just me – and my lesser demons – navigating the crowd in my head and this world full of assholes and saints.

Does anyone REALLY give a damn?

Probably not.

Whatever.

Let’s get this day started.

(I’ll try to be more …”talkative”?…in my next post.)